10 Cent Donaldson and the Dangers of Fitting In.

The world of a 9 year old boy can be a savage one; trying desperately to not stand out and viciously turning on anyone who dared to be different. Conformity was the warm embrace we all sought and the best possible way to fit in to your peer group.

Lloyd Donaldson was one of those kids who invariably did not.  Tall but not handsome, slim but not athletic, Lloyd Donaldson would do just about anything to fit-in.  You see, Lloyd’s common sense was simply no match for peer pressure which is why he was always fun to have around whenever there was nothing to do but something too dangerous or too stupid which none of us would attempt.  Therefore, if a freezing pole needed to be licked, a dead squirrel needed to be touched or the bra strap of an Amazonian 8^th grader needed to be snapped back it was always good to have a Lloyd Donaldson with you. 

One would think that after having urinated on a cow fence, twice, he’d have figured out that listening to his classmates was something less than healthy.  Ahh but the laughter of your school mates, even if it was directed at you was like an addictive drug that he just couldn’t get enough of.  So when Adam Clayton dared him to see if he could stick a quarter up his nose you just KNEW he was going to do it.  I don’t know if you’ve looked at a 9 year old’s nose lately but  the idea that a quarter could somehow fit in there seems entirely unlikely, unless you yourself are a 9 year old boy whose index finger is at often very at home in said cavity.  Unsurprisingly he gamely picked up the proffered coin and started it on it’s journey up his nose.

Oh how he tried.

But no combination of angles of approach or contortions of his face could get that quarter rammed home.  With growing desperation he looked around at the disappointed faces of his classmates and in a moment of pure genius he said: "I’m trying a dime first.”  It seems foreboding that our dime features the image of a ship even more so that that particular ship is called the BlueNOSE but, I digress.

Pinched between his fingers the dime slid easily into the vast, over-harvested channel. With a goofy grin on his face, he turned the dime 90 degrees flaring out his nostril and disfiguring an altogether unremarkable face in to something that a group 9 year old boys could appreciate; he looked monstrous!  After a few minutes of giggling, looking supremely proud of himself it was time to extract the dime and move on to the next inanity. 

I think I mentioned before that Lloyd Donaldson was not the most coordinated fellow, which explained his insistence on Velcro shoes, his inability to play most sports and his complete inability to extract a dime from his nostril.  Not only could he not get it out, as he grew increasingly uncomfortable, his trembling fingers managed to push it ever deeper towards the dark recesses of his nose.  The further it went, the more upset he got until he finally said “guys, somebody, help me pull it out!”  Sadly, the looks of disgust on our faces confirmed to Lloyd that he was well and truly on his own and that spectators we would remain. 

As the tears started to well in his eyes he doggedly continued to push the dime further and further into the recesses of his face and when, with a full two knuckles in, he unclenched his face, opened his mouth and uttered those horrible words: “Oh my god, it’s gone.”

Gone?

Gone?!

And while none of us knew a thing about the physiology of the sinus system we all knew that the disappearance of the dime meant a lot more than the loss of 10 cents.  Surely, any minute Lloyd Donaldson would fall stone dead to the floor and WE would be in more trouble than we ever knew.  And just like that, without even having to say a word, the assembled gawkers turned heel and fled leaving a stunned but not entirely surprised Lloyd Donaldson who, 10 cents wealthier, was utterly terrified.

To this day, I have no idea if Lloyd Donaldson ever recovered that dime or if  he carries it around in his sinus cavity, a reminder that fitting in can be an expensive prospect.